I was on campus today. I visited the painting studio. The loft to be exact.
It was painful, to be blunt. I felt cold and alone inside. I felt a chilling wave of nostalgia wash over me. I felt jealous and curious and angry and territorial. Notice most of these emotions are negative.
Nothing was logical about it. I wouldn't have felt any of this had I visited an old apartment in Oak. You know something has impacted your life in such a tremendous way, when you feel these emotions towards a space, and the events and people you associate with that space. I associate huge gains in knowledge, both of myself and my work, with that space.
I also felt guilt and fear. Guilt for not continuing in a studio practice which I was invested in and have ample opportunity to continue in. Fear of the idea of not continuing, not going to grad school not being an artist, for loosing myself somewhere along the way of repaying student loans, for getting lost in a dead end job.
helpimissyouso
I know, I felt the exact same way when I was there in September. It was incredibly depressing. It's so hard to believe it is all over. We rushed so much when thesis rolled around, we didn't even get to enjoy it in the end. Sadface.
ReplyDeletejb. its been 6 months. the first year out... its a huge transition- don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeletei saw the loft too. i was not pleased. the energy is TOTALLY wrong. i miss that space too, and i find myself constantly looking backwards. i'm trying to remember that the reason that time was so magical, so perfect- is because it was finite.
looking backwards is a good way to put things.
ReplyDeleteeven worse, I am feeling like I don't want to leave for grad school. I want to stay in philly....
and i know how important a 3 year program is, but i don't want to be gone that long...
id say that means one of two things 1) you need a program in philly OR 2)you're not ready for grad school just yet
ReplyDeleteif your heart is in philly- thats where you need to be. i dont think its worth going to grad school if your heart is somewhere else- you need it with you to be successful.